Ashleigh Hill's Blog
Stand up, be quiet, be one, be several. / 01.08.10, 10:22 AM
I am a detail-oriented person. Usually, I get the big picture but I don’t really stop to care about it. I care about everything that makes it up. For example, I don’t see our kitchen –I see our pantry, our sink, our dishtowels, our snacks, our coffee, whether or not the floor is clean, if the tea is organized, etc. Mission Year is sometimes overwhelming because it puts the big picture right in my face. I can’t wrap my mind around it because there are also so many details right in front of me. I can see the kitchen and every individual part of it at the same time – it’s sensory overload. I want to squeeze by for the coffee creamer but that means I have to pick up the sink and the broom and strap a chair on my back on the way. I know, that’s absurd but that’s the best way to explain how I feel. I’m working on it. Stepping outside of the city, for our holiday break, into the rest of the life I know was in some ways, like trying to swallow a beach ball. If I were, say, a rabbit.
Here is a little of what I’ve been working out in my head.
The Bible calls us to live a quiet life (1 Thes. 4:11) and do what is right in the eyes of everyone (Rom. 12:17) and also to stand up against injustice (Is. 58:6-11) and carry nothing on our journey (Matt 10:9-10). That is a very large beach ball. How does one stand up and be quiet?
The body of Christ is big and distinctive and so, so connected. Recently I read an article suggesting that despite our focus on such a personal relationship with Christ, we seem to forget that most of the Bible is letters to groups of people. True. So, the Body is an individual and a group. We move as one and as several. This has to mean something. Stand up, be quiet, be one, be several.
Because of this I know that we must not all live in the exact same terms and locations. What I am certain of is this: I think we all are called to make grand, sweeping lifestyle gestures (I have been thinking about this a lot, Megan :)) but in different ways. We, of course, do not all have to move into the inner city and be a good neighbor to lonely people. Lonely people are everywhere. Still, we cannot use this as an excuse for not heavily considering our locale.
I think we are called to love and give in grand, hard ways, whatever those ways are for us as determined by God. God speaks pretty strongly in Chicago, and I still ignore Him. He says to go talk to someone and I keep my headphones on and my hands in my pockets and walk. I think, “this is my day off and I am an introvert and I need silence today.” I am learning to hear God but not quite to listen to Him all the time. For all the praise we’ve gotten for taking on this project – maybe it doesn’t matter that I’m in Chicago if I am sometimes ignoring it.
Still, there is grace covering all of this. I can keep walking and that is ok and not ok (a lot more on grace later). Stand up, be quiet, be one, be several, stop walking, keep walking.
I am worried that we don’t prayerfully consider what the grand, hard ways are for us. Do we live our lives and assume that what we’re doing is what the Lord is asking of us? Do we really, really listen or do we continue on and find a few good things and call them blessings and through that assume we are following the Lord? I am certain that we must take things seriously. I know that, right now, Chicago, with Mission Year, is where God wants me but after this, I don’t know. When He speaks, I hope I hear and listen. Does God really want you were you are or do you want you where you are? Are you comfortable, and therefore considering it a blessing? Sometimes, I am almost frantic over this.
I’ve been harping over my last blog. I do not mean to say that having and wanting stuff and money is our biggest problem. I mean to say that the sense of entitlement is our biggest problem. We work, we earn, we keep and give – but we decide what we give and we decide where we stop because it is our hard-earned money and, after all, we worked for it. Can we really switch so quickly between believing God gave us something and claiming what we’ve earned ourselves? Is what is mine God’s, until someone else who maybe doesn’t deserve it, needs it and then it is mine?
I come up with excuses. A man downtown is clearly high and asking me for change. I ask him his name and if he’s eaten that day and eventually move on without giving him money, even though he asked me for it. I think he will buy drugs with it. But I realized that I willingly give up a lot of money every year to musicians, artists, and authors who will use a lot more of my money for drugs and I still give it up. I see them in concert, wasted, and I keep buying. I see them on the street wasted and I keep walking. How is the man on the street different? He has no credible record contract? I don’t think his poetry is extraordinary or his bass-playing phenomenal? This argument has proven null. I am digging for another one.
I continue to believe that we should seek people outside of our immediate, comfortable circle to help. Still, that circle is so important. If you are the person in need of help, you must turn back on your Body and ask for it. It’s true that we cannot care for others if we cannot care for ourselves. If you cannot pay your cell phone bill, another part of your community can and should. If you think you have no part to ask, e-mail our house (ashleighfhill@gmail.com) and we’ll help you figure it out.
Thanks for keeping up with this blog, discussing, and supporting us over the past four months. I look forward to the next seven. A lot.
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Proverbs 4:7
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Ashleigh… I love reading what God is teaching you. Thank you for sharing it! (And praise Him for giving you the ability to share it so creatively).
By Jillian / Jan 28, 12:32 AM / #
Thank you, Ashleigh.
It’s come to my attention the past week that I want to be “comfortable”. I want to be “happy”, and be able to give and not need so much – to be able to be the one being generous, not the one who’s scraping by. It’s a daunting place to be, sometimes – that peering over the edge place of need. I don’t want to ask for help. I want to find a better way to provide for myself and my family.
I am learning to be happier with less. Having beautiful, decadent recipes, but not wanting to buy specific ingredients that will cost extra money and perhaps not be fully used. Wanting to go see a movie, but just watching hulu instead. Worrying about eating out the one time a month we’re invited with friends, when in DC we ate out at least once a week if not more.
I’m grateful that during this journey into sacrifice, learning more about the difference between “want” and “need”, trying to accept with humility help from others, and (striving towards) letting go of a history of self-sufficiency and first world concerns… I can learn from you and your friends in Chicago – and from your blog. Thank you also for the scripture verse.
I often forget why I’m here – that it’s not just to be happy, feel loved, or “do well”, but to contribute something to this place in which we live, to let go, and to give up so that God can have His way in our lives. I forget about the eternal.
Thank you, Ashleigh, for sharing your reflections and experiences. I miss you.
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