Ashley Pharis's Blog
A matter of perspective.... / Mar 7, 09:26 AM
Ignorance. It’s such an ugly thing. And most often, it rears itself in such an ugly way.
A few weeks ago, I was walking to a friend’s house from the Hope House. Her apartment is only about 7 or 8 blocks from the Hope House as well as 7 of 8 blocks from my apartment, so she’s right smack in the middle. It was mid-afternoon, snow crunching under my feet as I walked along the sidewalk by myself, passing by row houses and apartments. I had only a few blocks more when I heard a knocking on a window to my right. I looked over and about 10 feet away, in the upstairs window of an apartment I saw someone’s face peering out at me. They were African American, but I wasn’t sure if it was a guy or girl. As my eyes met the cold, angry eyes staring down at me, with such a hate-filled voice they yelled loudly and intently “F*CK YOU B*TCH!”
For a few seconds I stood there, registering what just happened. Then they snickered and backed away from the window, out of sight. Another face appeared, this time I could distinguish it was a young male, and he just laughed. I stood there, wondering how do I respond? A long 10-15 seconds passed as I stood, motionless, silent. Eventually, I just lifted my hands in the air and shrugged my shoulders to stay “What did I do to you?” Still laughing, the young man backed away too.
I was so overcome with emotion, lots of them. I was angry, hurt, confused, frightened. I went through all the possible ways I could have responded differently- out of defense, revenge, love. How could I have communicated to them that I am not their enemy, I am here to LOVE and I still wanted to TRY to love them despite how they just treated me. As I walked and processed, I eventually just prayed, “Whatever caused that person to have such hate and bitterness, Lord, give them comfort, meet them where they are, heal the pain and hurt that has created such disconnection.”
Nearing my friend’s apartment, I was still rattled with what had happened. I looked around, wondering if anyone had seen, wanting to confide in SOMEONE what had happened. As I crossed an intersection, I saw a young black guy about to cross my path. I thought about saying something to him, but then my immediate reaction to distance and protect myself stopped me. But right as he crossed me, he said “You know you’re in the hood, right?” Oh boy, here we go, I thought. “Yeah, I know, I live here,” I quickly responded harshly as the emotions swirled. But as I registered his words and the tone of his voice, the rage inside of me simmered. He seemed to be speaking out of caution, even care. So, I thought to myself, he opened the door, I’m going to ask.
He was 10 steps away now, and I called “Hey, can I ask you something….” And I began to describe the event that just took place and asked why someone would do that, was it just because I was white? In his response came hope, came reconciliation, came understanding. He knew very well what I was getting at, and he explained openly that some people are just ignorant but that there are a lot of things going on in this area that are making a lot of folks scared that they are going to get pushed out of their own community. A lot of white folks are coming in and it seems they are here to take over, so there’s a lot of frustration and anger. I said I wasn’t here for that reason, that I was here to try to help them stay and make a better community for themselves, but that I guess there was no way for them to know that. He said he was sorry and some people are just ignorant, that’s all. But gentrification is a very real thing, this community knows too well all about it.
As our conversation ended, I asked him his name, thanked him for sharing some insight and walked away feeling settled. Though I don’t know and will never know what caused that individual to lash out at me, I was given the gift of perspective which allowed me to better enter into their pain and let go of my own petty hurt feelings.
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Now you know just from knowing me the last 12 years of your life you automatically get a few “G” stripes to deal with craziness like that. (lol, kidding) At any rate, I am so proud of you for making it this far in your mission. So many people in my life have never experienced being the minority. I know the situation you are in has afforded you the experience of being the minority. I am glad you are breaking down barriers to attempt to understand other cultures and there struggle. I will keep you in my prayers. I love u very much….
By Karma Smith / Mar 9, 11:47 PM / #
im sorry that you had to experience this. it rattled me just reading about it. you’re right: ignorance is an ugly thing, and its also a cowardly thing bc it’s so easy to just fling it on to somebody—like how they stayed in the house instead of saying it to your face. ugh. i am still struggling with how to respond in love to those who choose to hate me in such a cowardly way. :P keep on trucking—He’s got the whole world in His hands.
By joycekim / Mar 10, 03:05 PM / #
Such hatred & anger is hard to encounter, especially when it is aimed at you personally. But you chose to open yourself up to God & allow Him to work in you & the situation, instead of lashing back with the same hatred/anger – or allowing the offense to settle in your heart. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8). When we, by the power of His Spirit living in us, choose to respond to hatred & ignorance with love, we reflect Christ. We will never be able to do this on our own…it is only because He “took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:3) that we are ever able to choose love in the face of hatred. Thanks for sharing your story…it sparkles of God’s love & redemption amidst brokenness & pain…and that is beautiful.
By Emily Minnick / Mar 12, 09:09 AM / #
It is a profound experience for us, as white people, to realize that many people in the world do not like us simply because of the color of our skin. White = Oppressor/ Enemy. This tends to hurt our feelings, as it should. (isn’t everyone supposed to like us!?) It should also make us think about what has produced that level of animosity. But in your case, you should not take it personally because you are in the right place doing the right thing, i.e. learning how to oppose the system, not uphold it. The second guy learned this because he took a minute to listen to what you were about. What a great (but painful) insight into racism and a great motivator to “fight the power.” I don’t know if that’s helpful or not, just my thoughts. Brush dem h8ers off… :)
By Ben / Mar 13, 09:08 PM / #