Ashley Pharis's Blog
I’m ALIVE!!! / Feb 25, 09:42 AM
So I realize there is no justifiable excuse for my lack of communication here. I will say that it is due in part to the extremely busy schedule I feel we’ve been living these past several weeks. Black History Month is a really busy and exciting time when you live in a black community (who knew!). But my lack of communication has also been by partly by choice. These past two months have also been overwhelmingly emotional and the thought of writing out anything has been daunting, not just for the blog but writing in general. My poor journal has been very neglected and lonely as well, so don’t take it too personal.
When we got back after Christmas break, the excitement of living and serving here had worn off for the most part. I was dealing with a lot of different emotions and questions, wondering “What am I really doing here? Am I really helping? Are any of my relationships with folks from our community even genuine?”. Sorting out some of that is draining, but generally speaking, a much needed (and on-going) process for me, helping me to ground my expectations as well as my motives.
Other non-Mission Year-related issues…. I felt like I was having a quarter-life crisis when I realized I had to respond to IU by the beginning of February letting them know if I was going to begin grad school for speech pathology there this fall. That was definitely an intense time of decision-making (and still is!). One of our roommates, Melissa, went home for a week when she found out that a very close family friend committed suicide. Another roommate has been struggling emotionally and with energy levels. And lastly, my mom is continuing to struggle against severe depression. On top of that, we’re all VERY tired and sick of the cold weather, and here I am, as team captain, trying to motivate and support everyone as best I can.
Whoa, actually typing it all out is exhausting. I can feel the knots in my shoulders tensing just thinking about it. Now, I am not writing this to pull the victim card. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. That’s just a lot of the stuff I’ve been dealing with here. In the midst of it all, sometimes I feel like I’m just on auto-pilot, getting by, from one day to the next. And I wonder, WHY? Why in the midst of serving and trying to better understand the under-privileged world of poverty and inequality are we having to deal with all these other real life things?? I can’t deal with this new world of injustice when I have my own crap to worry about and vice versa. Can’t the hard things in the rest of our lives just be put on hold? But no, of course not. How could we expect to grow and learn and stretch ourselves if our lives were so compartmentalized?
We all have pain in our lives, we all have to fight, have to endure. And that is what connects us. If we didn’t have pain, why would we need each other? I mean, yes, it is enjoyable to be with each other, to share dinners and laughs and hugs. But doesn’t the hug mean more when we are hurting inside, and don’t the laughs feel better when they stop our tears, and doesn’t the food taste better when someone has cooked it for us themselves because we don’t have the energy to? Yes, I’d say, we feel it much deeper inside, we know it longer and it is what keeps us going. “It” is the deep expression and understanding that we are all interconnected, that we all need each other, we are all made FOR EACH OTHER. Life is too hard to make it alone, and I’m learning that I think that’s the point. The pain and suffering in our lives is what ultimately allows for a deeper, richer existence. Ha, a little funny, isn’t it?
2 Comments
Leave a Comment...
Read more of Ashley Pharis's Blogs.
Just letting you know I read… see you tonight!
By Andrea / Feb 28, 01:37 PM / #
Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. – St. Francis of Assisi.
Hang in there Ashley. You are in my prayers.
By Jim Runnels / Feb 28, 09:21 PM / #