Ashley Pharis's Blog
Some hard stuff / Apr 14, 09:58 AM
This past Monday morning, I found out the my grandpa, my mom’s father, had passed away early in the morning. I’ve been home since Tuesday night, going through the process of putting my grandpa to rest, along with friends and family.
The death of my grandpa is the first family death I have had to endure. The whole thing, the custom of standing in a room with a lifeless body, making conversation with family and friends who’ve come to pay respects, watching my grandmother hold it together all day then fall apart as his casket lay above his headstone—-it was all very foreign and unknown to me. The process through which our body, mind and soul deals with grief is one which I have never fully experienced. I understand it is not a process which we can control nor fully anticipate it’s effects or expressions on our daily lives which we must continue. But one thing I can say for sure, a couple days together with friends and family is not enough to process the death of a loved one.
I have to say, it was not a big surprise when I found out my grandpa had passed. He would have turned 91 years old this year, and over the past several years, although he was a fighter, his health had been steadily declining. We all knew he was ready to go, he made that quite clear, however light-heartedly (every time I visited him or talked to him on the phone and asked how he was doing, he’d respond matter-of-factly “Oh, ya know, I’m getting old.”). Knowing that he was ready and is now out of pain has helped in coping with our loss.
Over the past couple days, as I stole every spare quiet moment I could to ponder my grandfather’s life and now death, I was struck with the reality of the long, full life he had lived. As a matter of fact, he retired at age 65 in the year 1982 which was 2 years before I was even born. My grandpa had already lived nearly three quarters of his life before I was born, and then spent what is my entire lifetime in retirement! That is pretty amazing! He outlived all of his siblings even though he was the third of five, and had spent the last 58 years of his life together with my grandmother. Indeed, our mourning has been accompanied with a sense of celebration at a full life, long-lived.
But even as I processed through the life and death of my grandpa, marveling at his life and accomplishments, as well as struggling through the grieving process, my thoughts were ever-so-slightly pulled back to my neighborhood in North Lawndale. The reality of recent articles about the increasing numbers of youth slain in Chicago because of gun violence, the numerous (and almost casual) stories of youth in the community losing siblings, cousins, friends consistently, year after year….I was reminded of the fact that death is something that is far too common for urban, underprivileged communities like North Lawndale.
As I’ve attempted to gage my emotions walking through the loss of my grandpa, I’ve tried to be mindful and respectful of the process, taking time to think about memories with him, his life, how my grandma feels, how my mom and uncles feel. But I’ve also tried to remember those who are not so new to grieving, those to whom death is an all-too-common part of life and at earlier stages in life. Many young men living in urban communities infested with drug and gang activity often live with the mindset that they will not live past the age of 30. The loss of my grandpa, even at age 90 is hard, but the loss of lives at such early stages is too tragic to become a norm. I cannot even begin to understand the sadness and pain that these families, parents and students especially, must endure, but also the strength which they demonstrate in response to lives lost over and over again.
Please keep my family in your prayers, especially my mom and grandma, as we remember and grieve the life and death of my grandpa. Please also lift up my community and others like it in Chicago and around the US that face violence and the loss of young lives at an alarming rate. I believe it is people, the hands and feet of God’s body, that can bring about healing in times of hurt.
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Ashley, thats some tough stuff you are talking about. Losing family members or friends for that matter is extremely difficult. In the cities people die all the time, and you are right, many of them are very young which is very sad. It was hard for me to see the violence first hand and see my neighbors lose ones that they love. There was a shooting where one of our neighbors good friends who was 26 was killed. I like what you said about people being the hands and feet of Jesus. That is how it should be, we should look for those who need support and help them through rough times, being there right there with them. I am praying for your family, team, and cities in general.
Blessings
Austin Hochstetler
By Austin Hochstetler / Apr 15, 03:22 PM / #
Ashley-
I just got your monthly newsletter. Wanted to let you know that I’m still impressed with the work you’re doing. I was also really proud of your friend Domoniqueka (although I don’t know her) for taking such HUGE steps in her life. Obviously I’m not in Chicago, but Evan and I are moving this summer (I’ll be in Africa…. but that’s another story) and so we’re gutting our apartment. I have a ton of stuff to give away (kitchen table, cooking utensils, desks, clothes, shoes, etc) and would be willing to ship some of it to Chicago for her to have. Let me know the best way to go about this, or if you know someone with other specific needs. If I don’t hear from you within the next 2 weeks, I’m just going to donate it all locally. Keep up the amazing work!
Michelle
By Michelle Tschannen / May 4, 05:47 PM / #