Breanna Dillon's Blog
Waiting / 05.18.09, 01:04 PM
I want to be so many things—patient being one of them. Funny thing, though: with everything else I want to be, it’s hard to be patient. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to be a servant of Christ working tangibly on behalf of and with/ alongside the poor. I want to be a writer and an “ordinary radical” who, with God’s Spirit and fire inside of me, inspires others to love. And as I wait (and perhaps as I miss the fact that in many ways I am fulfilling my calling and desires even now), there’s this weird, abstract longing… aching… something inside of my heart and spirit. It’s this ache and fully felt, “How long, Lord?” and this all-too-poignantly-experienced sense of brokenness. Humanity, the earth, creation, and my own heart are broken, and while I want to be so many things, my ultimate desire to be redeemed and restored with all of God’s creation has left me begging for my Savior to return and bring an end to pain and a beginning to eternal uninhibited day. But back to temporal existence, there’s just this sense in me of something not yet birthed. An anticipation of what I know lies ahead yet of what I know nothing else about. And while most basically it’s hard to wait for the redemption of all creation, temporally it’s hard to wait for the moments of my life to unfurl before me. Before I leave this world or see it transformed while I’m still here, will I be loved and truly known by a man who somehow senses my soul? Will I care for a child from my own womb and for a child who maybe would have never thought they’d have someone to call mother? Will I pray a prayer of healing and see someone’s body and life made new by God’s Spirit? Will I lead someone to Christ and witness the light wash over their face as they come to know the love of the Savior I came to truly know some eight years ago? Will I dance in celebration as light breaks through the darkness in both big and small ways in the overlap of the ages? I don’t want to know now what is to come in my life. No, it’s not some foreknowledge I desire. I want to live it. To know it as only that which is experienced can be known. But the waiting leaves an ache… and maybe, no, most certainly, makes me stronger. Either way, I must wait. So I wait.
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