Gretchen Henner
My first entry
I’ve never had a blog, and honestly I don’t know what I’m doing with this one. I fill journals like crazy with prayers and notes on sermons and the occasional poem (don’t tell anyone i try poetry! he he), but then my only audience is God. I’m a lil afraid I won’t be authentic in this, I guess. As I considered what I should write I decided to start with a prayer. This will serve to remind me, and maybe you too, why I’m writing this blog and that God has a unique purpose for it.
Abba,
Thank You so much for Your love. Help us to understand it more everyday, and if it be Your perfect will use this blog to help us understand it more. Abba, I don’t know what I’m doing… with this blog… with mission year…. with relationship… with my life. But You…. You have it completely under control, so I release all my worries and plans to live in that reality. It should be easier totally trusting You, but it’s hard. I must agree to trust You everyday. Your will IS perfect. Make this time I spend writing over the next year plus make a difference for You… not just in anyone who reads its lives, but in my life as well. Transform me from the inside out, Father. I MUST trust You for that because as much as I may try to water and give sunshine to my spirit… only You can make it grow. And many times as my spirit grows when I don’t even know it, much as the farmers crops grow even while he sleeps. So I won’t freak out about spiritual growth… or anything for that matter, but trust You in all things.
Eternally,
G
About Mission Year
Mission Year is a year long urban ministry program focused on Christian service and discipleship. We take teams of young people, place them in an area of need, and help them to serve people and create community. We are committed to the command of Jesus to “love God and love people,” by placing the needs of our neighbors first and developing committed disciples of Christ with a heart for the poor. Learn more about our first year program…
Gretchen Henner's Blog
Spring Break / Apr 11, 03:00 PM
I’ve never had so much fun at IWU before. I showed up Friday afternoon (3/26) in Indianapolis after a slightly crazy morning. Let me explain. I’ve had a lot of food poisoning during MY. At 2:30 AM I woke up with several GI (gastrointestinal) symptoms. I was going to get ride to the airport with the same person my housemate Hilary was. Having never flown alone before I was scared and I thought it’d be nice to have a ride to the airport instead of public transit. Hil hadn’t flown alone before either, so we were going to have some solidarity going together. When Hil’s ride showed up around 4, I couldn’t leave the bathroom. My GI system sentenced me to taking public transit to the airport. I knew it was possible, but I was leery, at best, (at worst completely petrified) about the trip. Keep in mind my primary goal going to my school over break was to re-test on my nursing skills and put myself in position to start classes in the fall, hopefully as a junior. As my body revolted I went on a downward spiral of negative thoughts. I was convinced that I wouldn’t make it to the airport or IWU or re-test on my nursing skills or make it back into the program or ever finish college. This illness was going to destroy my life plans. I started to pray (and really I’d been covered in prayer by so many people, mine was just one of the many). I was so weak and uncomfortable my prayer was more a cry. I was pleading Christ blood over my body and for strength. I slept for an hour and a half and at 6 or so I left the house, walked into the subway and simply asked the subway attendant “How do I get to the airport from here?” For the rest of the day God confirmed that I can trust Him by providing the willing and knowledgeable fellow travelers that helped me make it through two subways, a regional rail and an airport. He gave me the strength to drag around a 50 pound suitcase after losing what felt like gallons of my precious fluids and electrolytes. He even gave me a huge black man in the subway to silently pick up my suitcase and carry it up a flight of stairs for me. (he literally said nothing, not asking me if he could help, not after I thanked him repeatedly) Megan summed it up text saying it’s just God’s way of showing you how much He’s gonna take care of you even at IWU.
At IWU God provided me with all the encouragement and love the school could muster. I got there exhausted. Lindsay and J-po drove out to Indy get me and how I love them. Upon arriving at IWU I saw Linda and Emily and finally Kay right next to the Goodman field. I was talking to someone when she spotted me and let out a battle cry. I said a quick farewell to my friend and sprinted into her arms, letting my shriek of joy match hers. Haha. We promptly turned to the nursing department I planned out my skills tests. Kay was all over it. She was going to make sure I passed. Her pronouns changed from you to we. When will we practice? How will we make sure you know the critical behaviors? She was a little overbearing, but it felt good. I was tired and I needed someone to plan out my life. After that Kay took me around the student center and showed me off like a celebrity. Then I told everyone how disgustingly sick I’d been. It was a good time. In the evening we went to the Switchfoot concert in the new chapel, which was opened by Mosquito Fleet and Everyday Sunday. I hadn’t been in the new chapel yet and I was glad my first experience with it was Kay and me dancing around like crazy. Oh, not to mention John Foreman started the concert directly behind us. Kay touched his hand and freaked out. We’d also seen him at McConn (IWU’s coffee shop) before the show. Kay totally cleared out her weekend for me and we had a great time together. We went to Goodwill, ate a birthday lunch with her mom and just chilled. She is so precious to me. I value our friendship so much. I got to see people that really matter to me. I’d love to list names here but if I forget someone and they see I’d feel like crap. Monday started off lab practice! 10 hours in two days and then an hour and a half test. So 7 hours Monday and 3 Tuesday. The lab is mind-numbing for that amount of time. My test was to be at 1PM Tuesday. At 12:55 PM who walk into the lab with sneaky little smirks but Mama Mcneely and Marilyn. I’m just finishing up practice and Marilyn acts shocked and offended to see a dummie with its legs spread which I have on the hospital bed in an elevated position. She’s so funny. They announce that they’re here to pray for me, and steal me away into one of the exam rooms, the same room I end up testing in! Soon the test is over and I’ve done it with no serious mistakes. Four skills at one time! Sterile suctioning to pouching an Ostomy to packing a sterile wound to medication administration. Whew! It was such a relief to be done. The rest of break was filled with prayer and dinners and good conversations and sleep-overs and hand holding and me screaming in the student center and a better understanding of my feelings. I told my story a few times. At first it was a patchy mess of events, but by the time I was about to leave I could see and articulate God’s themes in the year and a general flow. That’s one thing I really appreciated. My friends listen well and the outlet of thoughts and emotions was good for me. I feel excited to be a junior (as posed to a senior). Time at school is precious and it feels like I get a little extra. Also there a bunch of cool sophomores (like they’re sophomores now), and I’m stoked to hang out with them. For some reason, I was scared I wouldn’t have any friends during my senior year.
I went up to G-rap after nearly a week at IWU, hitching a ride with a friend from high school. The time at home was peaceful. The friends I hang out with whenever I’m home weren’t there, so I got to waste some time, which felt good. On Good Friday I went to the beach with Monika. It was a little cold, but it was the only opportunity I would have before August and I knew it. Afterward we went to Captain Sundae and I got the Captain’s Apple (soft serve, granola, caramel and apple pie filling) and Monika got a brownie and cookie dough flurry, I think. Then we went to her house and watched Hot Rod, which is so good. It was the highlight of the weekend. Well, Easter was good too. God gave me tears. I cry whenever I go to KCC (Kentwood Community Church) especially on Christian holidays. Haha. They had people that had made a commitment in the last year walk across the stage with signs pertaining to their decision during the last few worship songs. I hesitated but finally when my dad said “Didn’t you get baptized since last Easter?” I rolled my eyes and tromped off to the stage. I grabbed the sign that said “I got baptized in the last year” and began to cry. Last Wednesday was the one year anniversary of me deciding, officially, to do Mission Year. It was significant to me because it reminded me of how I’d surrendered one more area of my life to the Divine One, who controls everything anyway, and how its made all the difference in where and who I am now. My eyes water writing about it now. After the service I checked my texts on the way to the car. “Uhhhh… I gotta go back!” I shouted to my parents, as I read a text from Alison and promptly turned back to find her. Alison is very dear to me, but I hardly ever get to see her. She hugged me so hard it hurt. She told me that she would be spending the summer in Grand Rapids, so August will be a good time for us. I also reconnected with another friend there, who I’ll also be seeing in August.
I flew back to the Betty today. It’s beautiful here. I’m psyched to see what God is going to do with these next three and half months.
Megan Jackson / Mar 17, 05:48 PM
I’ve never had to be so intentional about a relationship before. Megan and I had a talk early on in the year where we pretty much confessed to each other that our relationship was hard. Our personalities clash, I explained. We began to work toward solutions such as being sure to spend time talking everyday. I began to tell her “I appreciate you” everyday. Pair that with a hug and 10 minutes of conversation a day and you’ve got a basic recipe for a good relationship. Soon Megan showed me that our personalities don’t clash; they’re complementary! It was beautiful. I guess what I’ve learned from her is than any relationship can work if nurture in the right way.
So here’s the basics on Megan Jackson…
Age: 21
Hometown: Bellingham, WA. She’s more or less obsessed with the Northwest. It’s air, it’s mountains, it’s lakes, it’s rain, it’s trees, maybe even it’s dirt. Haha. One day a man from the city came out to plant a sapling in front of our house (there are no trees on our block) and Megan was so excited she nearly ran out and kissed him.
Education: English lit. major at Western Washington University
Personality: clever, nerdy, quirky, sometimes over explains stuff till its awkward and mildly hilarious, introvert, opinionate yet humble about it, a processor and a follower (know that seems like a bad quality in our culture but I tell you it is not)
Appearance: short brown hair that feathers like she should’ve been 20 in the 70s, lil taller than me, unique carefree wardrobe, complete with rain jackets called hard-shells (I dk it’s a northwest thing apparently), perfect thick rimmed glasses
She has considered at career as a librarian or a teacher. Her service site for MY is Logan HOPE (the school that all the Betty minus me runs the after school program at) and the local library. She is very passionate about both . Megan can write excellent poetry. Some of it has been published. She hates to name her poems and rarely shares them although I have heard a couple of them. Megan is full of fun stories, even if she does accidentally tell them multiple times. She also plays the piano very well and can decipher how to play a song listening to it and trying it out on the piano. Megan is very smart and full of potential. I can’t wait to see what she does with the rest of her life.
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Just Breath / Mar 5, 09:07 PM
I’ve never had a themed day before, at least not that I can remember. Today had the theme of breath. It was beautiful. It started in the morning when I was reading Conspire magazine during my devo time. The article was called The God We Breath and focused on a Catholic priest in Bangkok, who did breathing exercises every morning. “You breath in God: love, joy, peace, patience. You breathe out fear and ignorance and sin.” He explained. This breathing theology helps us obtain 1 Thess. 3:17 (pray without ceasing) because we’re always breathing. It was good read for me early in the morning.
Then I went to Esperanza. I was working on a form for a patient when the doc stuck her head out of the exam room ands asked if I could hold a patient’s hand as moral support. I practically tripped over my chair. You know I’m pretty handsy, and I knew we were going to be cleaning out an absess, very exciting. The young woman lay on the exam table under her paper gown with one arm above her head, as the absess was in her armpit. I slid my hand into hers and squeezed tight. “You’re gonna be okay” I whispered just as I had 20 minutes before when I’d given her a vaccine, poor girl. She squeezed it back in pain as Diane cleaned the wound. She was tensing up, putting her arm down, getting in Diane’s way. Finally, Diane straightened up. “I need you to let me do this. I’m sorry. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your breath and not this pain” She said sternly but gently. I rubbed my thumb across the back of the girl’s hand. She seemed to calm down, and soon the wound was all bandaged up. Breathing can help us get through trials.
Later, I was getting really bored without any patients to prep, so I did what any playful and curious baby nurse would do in my situation… play with the pulse ox machine (the lil machine you put on your finger to measure the amount of oxygen in your blood and your heart rate). 95%, 96%, 97%, 98% I watched my pulse ox climb as I sighed deeply. Soon I had Margaret, the behavioral health counselor, holding the machine while I jogged wildly in place. My HR went up pretty fast, but I was forgetting something. Observing my pulse ox of 92% Margaret reminded me of what I was missing. “Breathe!” she prompted. Breathing helps us be able to engage in action.
Mondays are family night. It was Emily’s turn to plan it. She dimmed the living room lights, lit candles and assembled us on the couch. The dance that follow was full of breathe and passion. We were impressed. Then she invited us on to the floor and guided us through dance exercises that focused on breathing. As she let us do our own thing with the music I forgot all of the worries and distractions that plague me every minute of everyday and simply experienced my body. Focusing on breath is one of the quickest ways to make us conscious of our bodies. I pulled my spine up and straight with the inhale and let it fall bent with the exhale. Breathing brings serenity.
The respiratory system has been my favorite since high school Anatomy & Physiology. The bronchial tree, the C-shaped cartilage rings of the trachea, the moistening of the air via the nasal mucosa, the filling and emptying of each alveoli. It is beautiful. I knew there was spiritual significance, but never to the extent that I did today. Thanks, Abba,
Ragamuffin Laptop / Jan 28, 06:54 PM
I’ve never learned so much from a computer before. The following is a journal entry that I converted into a devotional for the Esperanza staff.
Yesterday I need a laptop to work with Gloria, so I called Stephen. He said that he had one, but it was in pretty rough shape. “I’ll take it!” I responded defiantly. I soon found out how right he was. The screen was more of less off its hinges, and the outer plastic shell was cracked and popping off all over the place. It looks like it’d been dropped… repeatedly. As I booted it up Gloria began to joke about how she’d give me $25 for it. As I observed it’s sorry state I slowly realized that I’m a lot like that laptop. It was not a bad laptop; it functioned perfectly. It just had something bad happen to it. Similarly, I am not a bad person. I’ve just had some painful things happen to me. I know that for me, the devil whispers in my ear that there is something wrong with me and that’s just how I am. The fact is that we’ve all been hurt in very deep and real ways. Although Stephen may not have had the power to fix the frame on the laptop, God does have the power to fix me. However, He may chose to leave us as we are in some ways to show His might, His love and, consequently, our beloved-ness. See, I used that laptop for the entire day and even grew some what affectionate toward it, much like Charlie Brown toward the pathetic tree in a Charlie Brown Christmas. (And how much more can God love us than I can love a laptop?!?) I know that this is how God feels about us. He knows that we are beat-up, bedraggled, burnt-out and discouraged, so when He presses the power button and we turn on or He moves the mouse and our cursor follows, He is proud. Today I don’t want to challenge you to increase in any spiritual discipline or work or strain to please God anymore than you already are. Today I want to invite you to rest. Our culture is very appearance and accomplishment driven. It is hard to imagine anyone, especially God, loving us without us working for it, but that is how God’s love is. So embrace your brokenness. Embrace your beloved-ness. Embrace grace.
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Back to "normal" / Jan 28, 06:53 PM
Bloooogg
I’ve never written a blog entry in 2010 before! (You can’t say you didn’t see that intro coming)
Well, the first week of the second trimester is nearly passed. It’s late Saturday night and I arrived back in Philly on Sunday. It was very surreal. I was kinda cranky from the 13 hours car ride, but no time was wasted falling back in the M.Y. routine. Monday was hard. I have lots of guilty/disappointed feelings from break not just for chilling at the bottom of the pool (see entry from 12/24/09), but also for all the people I didn’t see and things I didn’t do. Honestly, I think I’d been idolizing this break since about mid –November, thinking that it was going to fix me or revitalize me and turn me back into super G. It didn’t happen like that. I ran around like a maniac and ended up getting strep throat, which still hasn’t gone away completely. I feel sick even now. Tuesday I dragged my regrets before my prayer group at Esperanza. One of the doctors (she’s actually a CRNP which makes her a few points cooler in my book) describes me as the “real vulnerable type” (then she asked me if I ever get hurt. I lied and said rarely) and I guess she’s right because I was really honest to my prayer group about how ridiculously unhappy I’d been. Andrea, my nursing supervisor ended up being the one to pray for me, but she didn’t stop with just prayer….. Around 10:30 I came into her office in search of ibuprofen for my head. She started talking to me about how I have a purpose at EHC. She said a lot of really good things to me. Things I needed to hear, badly. It all pretty much boiled down to put everything you have into this year, especially your work at Esperanza because it is going to pay off. She was talking about mostly nursing/career type stuff, but the principle stands true spiritually as well. It was the very thing I needed to hear. My week was changed from that point on. Wednesday was fun. Thursday’s citywide was incredibly life giving. My Sabbath was more or less perfect (lots of sleep, Indian food and good conversation with a friend from the clinic). Today I went to a Three Kings Day party with EHC. I thought it would be more cultural, but that’s okay it was a great time. We were able to eat and talk and worship a lil too (I love Jesus songs in Spanish!).
It’s been really hard being sick. It’s pretty much the only thing bugging me right now. Emotionally, it’s difficult because my need for affection seems to triple while my ability to seek people out divides in half. The Betty has been really good to me though. I think we missed each other over break. We’ve had fun together this week. Tension had been building before break and now it’s like we’re all breathing a little easier.
Next entry I’ll begin me series introducing the members of the Betty, starting with the Northwest’s finest, Megan Jackson.
Good bye for now,
G
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