Jeff McNutt's Blog
Faith, Pride, and Humility / 07.21.10, 03:29 PM
So this will be my last blog entry while still being in Chicago in the midst of my Mission Year experience. It has been a long road with some twists and turns, but it has brought me to a beautiful place in my life. If I were to describe the scenery at this part of my life you may think it was something straight out of “Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” or any other haunted wood that you have heard. It would seem to be a dark, narrow footpath, surrounded by trees that look as if they could grab you up any minute. And if you were merely looking at the surroundings you would think the circumstances seemed rather hopeless. While I’m painting this to look rather bleak, I have yet to mention the most important part, or being involved in this portrait. I have next to me on this path the creator of the path; not only the path, but the entire world and even the universe! He stands next to me clothed in light, giving me warmth and confidence as I begin to travel down the path before us. And it is us traveling together, He doesn’t leave my side, He doesn’t step ahead or behind (although there are times I may try to run ahead), and He is always whispering encouragement into my ear. Let me switch gears for a minute, and then maybe this metaphor will make more sense later on.
About two years ago I rededicated my life to Christ. I jumped head first into the Bible and began just learning and growing. Then I began reading books by Christian authors, books like Crazy Love by Francis Chan or Starving Jesus by J.R. Mahon and Craig Gross. And as I was one of the teachers for the collegian group at Westview I began relaying ideas like if we really trust God to provide then why do we need insurance, a savings account, 401k’s, or a job with great benefits? I was talking about having the full faith of Matthew 6 when Jesus says to not worry about what we will eat or wear. Now as I have joked with others here, I’m sorry I ever said that. I am leaving Mission Year with no job, let alone with benefits. I will have no insurance. My account balance is at a minimum. A 401k is non-existent. What was I thinking? What I do know is that I feel a call on my life to be a pastor, and to do that I need to go to college, so that is where I’m heading. This is where I am learning about faith in my life.
Another aspect of my life is that I have been working full-time for the past eight years. I pay my own bills and take care of my own needs. I worked hard so I could provide for myself and no one had to help me out. To put it mildly I have a lot of pride in being able to care for myself or take care of my own needs and not have to rely on others. This coming year I will be going to school while living with my parents. They will even be dropping me off to school each day (not sure they know this yet). My roommate Ashleigh has said that this is God working on that pride I have; I agree. I will have to rely on God to provide wholly for me rather than counting my strength my own and saying that I did it myself. It will be by His hand that I will be fed, clothed, and sheltered this coming year. This is a difficult one for me to take, but this also means that I am going to have to rely on others to help me along the way. I know this is for my good, but man does it hurt right now.
Two years ago when I rededicated my life to Christ, it was probably closer to a first time commitment. It was more honest than I had ever been with God before. I simply said, “ok, if you want me, I’m yours. I’ll give you everything I can, but I am going to need your help. And I do not want to be bored.” Wow, go easy on praying that one. Since that time God has taken me farther than I ever thought I would go. He has continually stretched me and pushed me to become simply the man He designed me to be. The very person that I want to be He has stretched me to become. The desires in my heart (that He gave me) are being fulfilled. He is awakening the man in me that I long to be, a man fully alive. God has been so merciful to me. He has held no good thing from me. I can see that He means it when He says His desire is for me in Songs 4:7. And I am not bored!
I started thinking about these three things: faith, pride, and humility. I began by having faith that my Father would take care of me. Yet I hold on to my pride of being able to provide for myself, but also realize that I would be nowhere near where I am if God had not been faithful. I now stand on a similar edge as last year, what I perceive to be a leap of faith. I still have a lot of pride, so part of me is clinging with everything in my being to hold on to what I can, but risking a little has taught me that when I have faith God is faithful in return. I know God loves me, and His desire is for me. So here I stand on the edge of a wood looking at a footpath. (Deep breath) Ok Jesus, I’m ready.
Father, thank you for who you are, for who you have been to me this year. How you’ve guided me, led me, wiped away my tears, laughed at my silliness, strengthened me through my weakness, and been my support when I could no longer stand. Thank you.
You have been so good to me. You have allowed me to see you work in a community that others would say is forsaken by you. You have allowed me to walk amongst streets of broken glass and let me see them as the streets of gold. Thank you.
Jesus you have been faithful in walking beside me, whispering love to me at every triumph and failure. You have extended your grace to me, a sinner. You have made me clean and have redeemed me from a past of self-fulfillment. Thank you.
You have let me see the wounds in your hands and side, the blood you poured so that we may be free. So that all may be free. You have shown me your justice and the injustices that abound here. You have shown me what I can do to help bring justice to your people. Thank you.
Holy Spirit you have filled me. You have worked hard to transform my mind, to give me a new heart of flesh. Thank you.
You have led me into deeper understanding of what it means to love others as Christ has loved us. You have been patient with me as my flesh cries out and I deny you. You always are with me, even as I try to flee. Thank you.
As I go away from this place, as you call me to the next place, may I glorify you. Let people see the beauty that is in your triune relationship come from me. Let me exemplify hospitality, grace, mercy, forgiveness, sacrifice, service, compassion, community, and justice. Use me to demonstrate your unfailing love. I wish to glorify you, to give honor to you, so cleanse me of my pride. Let me see that all I am comes from you, that you are the one who brings good gifts and can take them away.
Thank you for loving me, for choosing me already to be used by you. Continue with me Lord that I may be a man after your heart.
I love you.
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