Jordan Miller's Blog
So Far / 07.08.08, 01:51 PM
So I moved to Branson a little over a week ago. I’m not getting my mail from home yet because I’m having trouble getting in contact with people to change my address. I had to get a job as soon as I got here to keep up with my car payments. I need to sell my car before Mission Year starts. I still have a $300 hospital bill I need to pay. I owe the greatest friend Ive ever had in my life money and I left town and he probably thinks Ive turned my back on him. I don’t have a computer of my own to keep updated with my Mission Year things I have to get together and I have yet to type up my letter to mail to people. And every time I am about to type it up I remember that my response envelopes were sent to my old address and I end up not typing my letter because I wont be able to mail any yet. I also work almost 60 hours a week with my new job so I can get out of debt before I go. I cant seem to ever get a hold of the proper Mission Year contacts that I need to by phone because I can only go to my sisters to use the computer every so often and I miss emails and times that I should be waiting for a call. I feel like I’m behind. I feel like I could be doing so much more to prepare for Mission Year. I have a family member that is constantly stressed out from debt and I want to help but I have places I owe money too. I have no clue what I should be doing with the income I am making but I’m not making enough to cover all of it even if I hardly spend any on myself. I also feel so confused as to how I should spend my time that I really don’t know what to do.
I don’t feel like I deserve any of this. I dint feel like I deserve to do Mission Year. I feel like there are people more organized. There are people with less baggage. There are people that are smarter. There are people that are nicer. There are people that God could use so much better than me. There are people that people would like more than me. I don’t feel like there is anyone backing me up. Because why should anyone. I haven’t done anything with my life. Ive had these feelings for a while now. But about a month ago I was cleaning my room. I found a dvd that I got with a special edition Casting Crowns cd. Ive had it for a long time and never watched it. I decided to pop it in this day. I stumbled upon the lead singer Mark Hall’s testimony. God used that dvd to change my life that day.In it Mark Hall talks about how he isn’t good enough either. Mark Hall made me realize that God doesn’t need me. God doesn’t need any of us. God is so much bigger than us. He doesn’t need me. But he wants me. Its on these days that I have these worries. The days I have these fears when I feel like Mission Year is gonna call me and say “ Hey Jordan, We noticed you’ve been signed up for a month now and you haven’t even typed up a rough draft letter. You haven’t even attempted to raise any support yet so we have to let ya go.” Its on these days I have to watch that dvd again like I just did before writing this paragraph. So I can realize God is saying to me. “Jordan, Do you think your debt, your worries, your lack of motivation are worrying me. Do you think your fears are weighing me down. Do you think you not having a computer is going to hurt my Kingdom. Do you think not having a cell phone is going to make my plans for this world fail. Jordan, you told ME to control your life. If your scared then you must think I’m not doing my job. I am going to use you in this world. You show the world what I can do through someone who gave ME control.” I have these days so often. I have to watch that dvd every time because it seems like the next day Ill forget what God told me through Mark Hall. And then I feel again like I don’t deserve to do any of this and Ill lose motivation to get things done. But for now I know he’s in control. And I ask that whoever reads this prays for me that I’ll know this more often. That my faith will prevail when things don’t seem like they are going good. I kinda sat here for a minute because I didn’t know how to end this message. But I looked down and saw the shirt I’m wearing and I will end with what it says.
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying.
“Whom shall I send? And who shall go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8
If not me….
If not now….
Who?
When?
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Jordan, your message was a breath of fresh air. Please know that you are NOT alone… you are NOT the only one struggling, especially with feeling inadequate and unprepared and unworthy. I’m in the same boat with you as far as those feelings go, but other circumstances are causing it for me. Just please know that Hope is on your side and where you are right now is Exactly where God wants you to be. Just keep giving Him the glory and he promises us that he will work everything out for good (Romans 8:28). Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NLT)
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NLT)
By Tera Shelton, fellow 08-09 member / Jul 9, 11:04 AM / #
Brother, I just want you to know that I am proud of you for this mission you are going on. It’s hard for me to get those words out when I feel so much worry for you. It isn’t easy watching my little brother go off to a state far away that I have never been. Since mom has left us and went to heaven I always feel like I’m supposed to fill those shoes for you. I hate it that I don’t have her, but I hate it even more when I see you go through things like this and I know you need your mom…and I can’t bring her back for you. I need to practice trusting God more. I guess sometimes I feel like I don’t have the answers and I don’t know where to go..because mom isn’t here for me to ask. I do trust God and I know that he is in control of my life, but it’s still very easy for me to worry..and I struggle with putting that worry into God’s hands and just laying myself at his feet. I know that you are going to be successful..just because you don’t have a lot of money and a career that will offer you a lot of money..does NOT mean that you aren’t successful. I know where you could get into that thinking, as it was crammed into my head by the same person. I am so proud of you and I don’t say it enough. I love you so much, keep your head up. You are doing a great thing for the kingdom of God.
By Ashley Haynes / Aug 21, 01:35 PM / #
i just left a comment on your teammate, faith’s, blog page. just wanted to let you guys now that i’m an 07-08 mission year member and the wonderful city i got to serve (and be served) in was camden!! woohoo! it’s the best mission year city there is. :-) i’m moving back a little after you guys are to be an urbanpromise intern. so if you anyone from your team is placed at camp freedom then i’ll get to work with you often. the rest of you, every now and then. what i’m getting at is that i’m very excited to meet all of you and stay connected with mission year.
also, thank you for such an honest blog. it really was a breath of fresh air. i had a few days of serious self loathing when i was trying to decided if i should go back to camden this year or not. so seeing your sisters comment to you was helpful for me as well. money and career doesn’t not necessarily equal success.
i don’t even know you and i’m proud of you too. you and your team.
i’ll be seeing you all soon!
By haley soetebier / Aug 30, 07:50 PM / #
Jordan, your honesty about the tough times blows me away! Your perseverance blows me away! Thank you for being so real with us. You have been hand picked by God— like you said…He WANTS Y-O-U! I’ve been struggling with the same things as you though though spurred on by different circumstances, and want to tell you that your putting all that out in the open is freeing to read. Your story is needed, Jordan! Just keep listening to God with all you’ve got and keep that awesome willingness to learn and grow!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your OWN understanding; but acknowledge HIM in all your ways and He will make your path straight!
Proverbs 3:5-6
By Sara Wiele / Dec 5, 04:15 PM / #