Joyce Kim's Blog
it matters, a lot actually. / 05.22.08, 02:10 PM
reading back on the few entries i’ve submitted to this forsaken blog, the content on most of my entries have been more or less about my asian american identity and not so much on my “mission year” experiences (but those are reserved for my newsletters so…if ya wanna know, give me your mailing address).
im easily embarrassed and so the couple of times i read back, i was a bit ashamed at the tone of my entries and at the questions which spontaneously arose from my emotions in that particular moment.
but now i can safely say that i am neither embarrassed nor regretful of what i chose to wrote, only because my identity as an asian am. woman has been integral to my year in atlanta. there are many reasons why “doing” mission year is difficult and challenging but one of the primary challenges i’ve faced since being here has been my status as the “perpetual foreigner” wherever i go. in atlanta the race dichotomy is very much black and white. coming in as something that doesn’t fit into either category has made me very self-conscious and aware of myself, in good ways but many times bad as well.
comments like “your english is pretty good”, to “y’all sisters?” (in reference to me and my asian am. teammate ann), and the perpetual stares i’ll get from both blacks and whites. to say that i’ve felt alone and put on display for people is an understatement. and while i’ve had to brush it off, i only do so in order to maintain some sort of sanity and for survival purposes. dwelling on these daily incidents would only drive me crazy, angry, and bitter.
for me, as a mission year team member, my ethnic identity matters because it is one more thing added on to an already stressful and challenging life out here. the feeling of exclusion is tiring and sad. but i’ve learned to be okay in voicing my thoughts and no, i do not think i overdo it or mention it too many times. and if you’re sick of it, then maybe it’s something you need to hear again.
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I can definitely see feeling left out of the Black/White issues… I often wonder how other ethnicities “fit in.” I think you should write and think about it as much as you want to. Don’t feel like you have to write to an audience in your blog. I wonder about my own identity a lot of times too… as a white American. What does that white part even mean? I know I need to do some research to even figure out where my roots are!
How was reading “More Than Serving Tea?” I thought it was cool they had us reading that. I wish we had a book to let us into the Latino experience as well during this year. I’m engaged to a South Asian man (since before Mission Year, don’t worry :)), so it was good to read about some of that stuff. A lot of it I can relate to – like the perfectionism (not so much from my family but definitely it’s there) and the leadership things, wondering where I as a woman fit in too.
And for the record, in my MY household we’re 5 “white” girls and we’re always being asked if we’re sisters. Also, I’m sorry for the “your english is good” comments. My fiance who didn’t grow up in the US but whose first language is English gets that a lot too. I feel ashamed because I think I even told him that once when we first met! :S
K sorry, that was long, it’s just your blog fits with a lot of my thoughts recently.
By Andrea in Chicago / May 22, 06:54 PM / #
Over here, I don’t think about that much. or don’t have to (maybe cuz i live in koreatown.) I guess you don’t realize that your appearance is what people immediately recognize and then stamp an identity with in most other places, where certain types of ppl are more uncommon.
By Deebo / Jun 5, 07:08 PM / #