Kristen Gillman
About Mission Year
Mission Year is a year long urban ministry program focused on Christian service and discipleship. We take teams of young people, place them in an area of need, and help them to serve people and create community. We are committed to the command of Jesus to “love God and love people,” by placing the needs of our neighbors first and developing committed disciples of Christ with a heart for the poor. Learn more about our first year program…
Kristen Gillman's Blog
"Always" / Jun 12, 03:04 PM
The word “always” has been one of my favorite words for a long time. Any time I am trying to think of a word to put on artwork, “always” is the one that comes to mind first. It is the one that echoes in my mind and it is the one that my heart yearns for.
I am not sure I have ever understood why it was this word that continually showed up on my lips and in my heart, but I’m starting to put 2 and 2 together.
“Always” suggests an idea that is unattainable here. It suggests something being eternal. It suggests something unchanging, it suggests a constant.
I have always, always (lol) had a hard time with saying goodbye to people. Ever since I can remember, it has been very tough for me to say goodbye to someone, even if it meant I was just passing from the 3rd grade to the 4th grade. I would cry and miss my teachers and classmates so much for the first few weeks into the summer.
Fast forward to now… I’m not sure much has changed. I think possibly the only thing that has changed may be that I am yearning even more for this “always”.
These past few years have been very, very hard in this area. I have hit a lot of very low points after someone in my life’s path took a sudden turn. That’s an understatement. That’s a front, that’s a mask, the way I wrote it. Person to person, whoever you are reading this, I have been to the pits after people have gone.
This past week, we learned that our teammate, Ryan, would be going home.
Another one?
After Lindsey had gone in December, too?
They both are so important to me. I did not have the privilege of living out life more with Lindsey as I did with Ryan, unfortunately, but… as Ryan left later into the year, it seemed even harder— especially after going through Lindsey’s departure, reforming our family together, and now having to do it again?
He has represented so much in my life. His friendship and his demeanor has helped me through some of the hardest times this year. As for the community, we are all lost and weary.
“Another one?” cried out our hearts, cried out the puzzle of the cross on the wall. I was telling Faith earlier tonight that I’m not sure we understood how profound the puzzle was when we made it. In the beginning of the year, all 6 of us made a cross out of 6 puzzle pieces, each piece representing our lives with things we decorated it with, etc. Now, 2 of those puzzle pieces are gone, how can the cross stand? How can our community stand?
“Another one?”
So many different voices are offering different answers.
Eddie Vedder offers, “How could she say to me, ‘love will find a way’? Gather ‘round, all you clowns, let me hear you say, ‘hey, you’ve got to hide your love away.’ Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away.”
Junior year offers, “Hey, you’ve got to close your heart inside.”
The next door neighbors offer, “Hey, we’re trying to hide our tears away.”
But, God’s arms are wide open. Looking ahead, His arms are wide open. “Hey,” declares Love, “you’ve got to reach for My hands today. Hey. I will find a way.”
How could He say to me, “love will find a way”?
“Because I AM, and I am.”
I guess this is part of the human condition. Nothing is forever that is not the Lord. I guess that my relationship with “always” will have to be sought out with wisdom and understanding in my step. I will have to be patient, I will have to force my heart open when it’s trying to close off and shut out those who are taking their new and different paths.
Most of all, I will have to run to Him for healing. And when my journey ends, I will stand at the steps of “always”.
All of this has made me yearn for heaven so much more. So much more.
Thank you to all of my housemates for being so beautiful, so understanding, and so strong. We will get through this. Lindsey, Ryan, you know I love you. But, you’re still in time out on our kitchen schedule. Hahaha : )
<3
Ohhh man / Mar 17, 01:44 PM
Well, I surely haven’t updated this thing in a long time, huh?
Ahhhh I don’t even know where to start.
I guess I’ve been having a hard time in my faith lately. I have a really hard time worshiping God in a scheduled, blocked off time, and it’s taking a toll on my faith life a lot. I don’t like having a “this is when we should worship God” and “this is when we sing together” time. I want to do it because I want to, not because it’s a scheduled thing to do.
I choose to go to church, because I want to go to church. I chose to become a follower of Jesus because I wanted to become a follower of Jesus. It is a hard battle to CHOOSE to worship when the schedule tells you to worship. What if my heart doesn’t want to worship, being surrounded by people, and I just want to do it on my own? I have felt really trapped lately about this and it has been such a burden to carry. I have been praying just fine, and I have been feeling the Lord’s love for me just fine. It’s not that I don’t believe… I’m not sure that will ever be a problem, but who can really say?? I don’t think it’s logical to say that “something will never happen”, how could I know? I know my faith is strong, and I know I question, as everyone does, but I also believe God to be the ultimate Truth and THE Love… so if I question, I believe He will always guide me back to Him.
I guess I’m just struggling, because I’m having a hard time wanting to do devotions and wanting to worship with everyone if it’s just going to be a certain blocked time. I know that I’m in a trapping, circular thought, and I know that freedom from it will come soon; I really just need to change my understanding on it. I keep seeing it as a “it’s a scheduled time”, but I need to understand that I’m still CHOOSING to do devotions. Maybe the blocked time isn’t mandatory.. maybe I’m still doing it because I choose to. But then, is ANYTHING mandatory? Probably not…
I hope that Caz will have some insight about it… I know she will; I’m sure so many a Mission Year folk have gone through this, and I am sure that God will lead me out of it. Something has been bubbling up inside my heart like crazy, and I feel glimpses of my desire to worship about to brim over… I just can’t wait until it happens. I want to feel in awe again, and I haven’t in awhile. I typically do.. so who knows. It will happen on His time. I just have to be patient for that time to come..though my flesh desires that time to be now so much.
That’s all I’ve got for ya today. Take care, everyone, and God bless you
Prayer needed / Jan 6, 10:32 AM
I actually found out today that one of my students had a father die. He died on December 27th of cancer. please, please pray for him. he also had an older brother killed 5 years ago, so his heart is really hurting. please pray for him and his family, they need it a lot. thank you…
Back in black! er.. actually, I'm wearing blue.. / Jan 6, 10:31 AM
that’s a good song… back in black? AC/DC??? my parents actually went to an AC/DC concert this past year and sent me pictures of them performing that song, hahahaha… it was awesome.
in any case!
we’ve all just returned back to Camden, and things are quiiiite different.
due to some things in her heart, our team mate, Lindsey has decided to stay home in Colorado. this is hard, because she is my sister and I feel so much love for her. she is an absolutely beautiful disciple, person, and family member of ours. on the other hand, God’s plan was revealed, and it was extremely obvious that He brought her to Mission Year for only those first 4 months so that she could learn about some things in her heart, and He therefore took her home to Colorado in order to continue pursuing a new and whole heart there. if you are reading this, BINZER!!! hahahahaha, know that you are completely beautiful and infinitely valuable and we all love you immensely. I will continue to write you notes in here every now and then : ) we’re all so proud of how much your heart and your decisions are parallel with the Lord’s plan for you. you have followed Him everywhere He’s led you and that is GREAT!!!! keep goin, girl!!
I am very well-known as the person who is not good at letting go of things. it’s extremely hard for me to say goodbye to people, and the Lord has shown me that it’s quite connected to things in the past, but it is GREAT, because He has been teaching me that… just because someone is going far away, it doesn’t mean that they have left me. it just means that they are in a different place. sometimes, I have to tell myself that over and over in order to remember. “Kristen, you’re not being left, they are just going to a different place. it is not personal to you, nor are they doing it TO you. your relationship has not changed, they are just further in distance.” if ever there was a time that I was working against a constant current that has been my normal thought of life… that time would be now. it’s hard to continue that, but it’s so worth it, and the benefits of it are immeasurable. I’m so glad to have this struggle.
I am so, so blessed to have had so much time with my boyfriend at home. he drove 9 hours overnight to pick me up, leaving his house at 12 midnight. he continues to do his best to show me I am loved and I am so grateful. I was also extremely blessed to have so much time with my family! my mom and I had the privilege of hanging out with one another a lot, and it was so great to be able to do that. for all of you who don’t know her, she is definitely a character—silly, funny, and absolutely beautiful. it was wonderful to spend time with her the way I got to. we skipped around the house together and danced!! it was so funny!
I got to hang out with so many people at Seneca Hills—a wonderful Bible camp where I used to work. ohhh man, seeing so many people there that are so extremely dear to my heart made my heart melt with happiness. what a joy they all are! hahahaha great times and great conversations. one of my most favorite parts was when Claire ran down the hill and jumped into a hug with me! CLARVA!!! you are wonderful : )
I am also so blessed to be back here with my students! hahaha of course, I say that on the first day.. just wait until there’s a day when they don’t listen! no, but really, I am so glad to be back, even when they don’t listen—I am no longer giving grades to them for Spanish class, so hopefully they will loosen up a tad bit around me and feel free to open up to me even more.
in conclusion:
blessings, blessings, blessings! what a beautiful and hard journey it is to walk in the faith, but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way… those struggles only reap more freedom from our Lord.
hope everyone’s Christmas and new beginning in a new year was great!!! please let me know how it was—-no, really! comment about it, tell me about it… I’d be SO excited to hear it!! take care <3
oh my (starry-eyed surprise?) / Dec 18, 12:24 AM
sorry that it has taken me so long to write another update! so many things have been going on lately!!
wellll I’ve decided that I’m probably going to quit doing capital letters except for people’s names and the word “I”. this is probably because I really don’t like writing in capitals, because it takes forever. hahaha, I know, I’m super lazy, right? oh well, I can type faster this way. :) yayyy
can I just tell you that this past month has been… incredible?
I’ve been going through a whole lot of ups and serious downs, but the Lord has been sitting with me through it all, and He has really let me know about how much I mean to Him.
it’s been really hard for me to believe that I am loved. this might be weird to write in a blog for all the world to know, but I have a hunch I am not fully able to glorify the Lord if I am not honest about things. anyways, because of things in the past, it is very very hard for me to believe that people love me… this sometimes, unfortunately, transfers into my relationship with God and it’s hard for me to remember that I am loved.
these past few weeks God has shown me in an INFINITE number of ways how much He absolutely loves me. I can’t tell you how happy my heart has been… even in the midst of the serious downs that creep up when I’m least expecting it. I don’t even know where they come from. I will be having a great day and all of the sudden things will remind me of things in my past and it will destroy the rest of the day. even in that pain and even in that darkness, God is still sitting with me there.
He has been teaching me so much about my identity as a woman as well. I think that society ingrains into us “roles” of men and women. I didn’t even REALIZE I had issues with roles in my own life, but I do. a lot of it comes from my athletic ability. for a long time I thought of myself as kind of boy-ish, because I am interested in sports and more athletic than other girls. a couple days ago, God said to me, “you are a woman. I gave you your athletic talent as a gift to you, as a woman. I gave you all that you are and all that you have as a gift.” and I think that was the first time I accepted myself as a woman who is athletic, not a boy-ish girl. it was absolutely freeing. it sounds really simple and I can hear my mom saying, “why didn’t you feel like that before!?” to be truthful and on my own accord, I think I knew it with my head, but society told me completely differently without using words, so I didn’t believe it in my heart. what a freeing thing it is to know that I have been chosen to have the things that I am. this completely changes my perspective on who I am to be and who I should strive to look for.
God is so beautiful, and every day that He takes me from the misconceptions society builds into me, I get to see His beautiful face even more. I can’t wait to lay on His heart someday. just in His lap, laying against His heart, holding Him near. ahhhhh I can’t wait, I can’t wait… I cannot wait.
through Him, with Him, in Him. in the unity of the Holy Spirit. all glory and honor is Yours, Almighty Father. forever and ever.
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