Kristen Gillman's Blog
Ohhh man / 03.17.09, 01:44 PM
Well, I surely haven’t updated this thing in a long time, huh?
Ahhhh I don’t even know where to start.
I guess I’ve been having a hard time in my faith lately. I have a really hard time worshiping God in a scheduled, blocked off time, and it’s taking a toll on my faith life a lot. I don’t like having a “this is when we should worship God” and “this is when we sing together” time. I want to do it because I want to, not because it’s a scheduled thing to do.
I choose to go to church, because I want to go to church. I chose to become a follower of Jesus because I wanted to become a follower of Jesus. It is a hard battle to CHOOSE to worship when the schedule tells you to worship. What if my heart doesn’t want to worship, being surrounded by people, and I just want to do it on my own? I have felt really trapped lately about this and it has been such a burden to carry. I have been praying just fine, and I have been feeling the Lord’s love for me just fine. It’s not that I don’t believe… I’m not sure that will ever be a problem, but who can really say?? I don’t think it’s logical to say that “something will never happen”, how could I know? I know my faith is strong, and I know I question, as everyone does, but I also believe God to be the ultimate Truth and THE Love… so if I question, I believe He will always guide me back to Him.
I guess I’m just struggling, because I’m having a hard time wanting to do devotions and wanting to worship with everyone if it’s just going to be a certain blocked time. I know that I’m in a trapping, circular thought, and I know that freedom from it will come soon; I really just need to change my understanding on it. I keep seeing it as a “it’s a scheduled time”, but I need to understand that I’m still CHOOSING to do devotions. Maybe the blocked time isn’t mandatory.. maybe I’m still doing it because I choose to. But then, is ANYTHING mandatory? Probably not…
I hope that Caz will have some insight about it… I know she will; I’m sure so many a Mission Year folk have gone through this, and I am sure that God will lead me out of it. Something has been bubbling up inside my heart like crazy, and I feel glimpses of my desire to worship about to brim over… I just can’t wait until it happens. I want to feel in awe again, and I haven’t in awhile. I typically do.. so who knows. It will happen on His time. I just have to be patient for that time to come..though my flesh desires that time to be now so much.
That’s all I’ve got for ya today. Take care, everyone, and God bless you
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