Meredith Layne's Blog
I wanna be honest / 02.02.09, 11:19 AM
My human-ness is calling me back. It misses me i think almost as much as I miss it!
I miss new shoes, I miss new clothes, I miss new books, I miss new movies and music, i miss TV. I miss going out with my friends. I miss getting all dressed up, and feeling pretty, and oh my Lord how I miss kissing. I miss going out to eat and not worrying about how much everything costs. I miss living from paycheck to paycheck. I miss things, that I can’t list out cause you’d think badly of me for missing them.
I miss not feeling heavy because of the injustice around me. I miss not caring. I miss not being a ‘bleeding heart liberal hippy’. I miss not feeling guilty about Starbucks in my life and Walmart. I miss my car and complaining about gas prices.
Believe me, I am aware how these things bring me no lasting happiness or joy. I know that if I were really honest with myself, I don’t actually want these things, but it doesn’t mean that I dont miss them. Does that even make sense? No! I don’t want them, but I want them so badly.
I feel like I have been identified for so long by what I have; by the clothes I roll, the shoes I rock…even the blasted water I drink! These things have identified me as feminine, as current and as recognizable. Without them, i feel unfeminine, irrelevant, and invisible. How effed up is it that society has that sort of hold on me? On us?
So flip it. Im not here in New Orleans. I am living what previously was my “dream” life. I’ve got everything I could want, no one depends on me, I don’t notice or care about the injustices around me. What do I miss then?
I miss David. I miss Katie, and Joy. I miss Braxton. I miss Jacob. I miss Irvin and Sarah and Ruby. I miss Brandt. I miss UIM staff. I miss Donna and, David, Joy and Joe at Reconcile. I miss Earl. I miss Julie and Rob. I miss Ivan and Pearl. I miss Lisa and Amaya and Aurther. I miss Philip Street. I miss the street cars. I miss Nikki and Michael Wong and Rodger. I miss security gaurds. I miss the New Orleans Public Library. I miss Baronne Market and Mike. I miss Big Shots! I miss Clark. I miss the lady who yells obscenities walking up and down the street. I miss Mark, and Steve and Gypsy. I miss caring, and investing and being invested in. I miss outrage at injustice, and seeing the community develope and improve. I miss reconciliation. I miss morning devo. I miss dance parties in the kitchen. I miss scooping out my bathtub. I miss squeaky beds. I miss pillow fights. I miss my King and the Lover of my soul.
The grass over there might be greener sometimes…but its greener cause it has pestisides and chemicals on it, it doesn’t taste as sweet, and it’ll give me cancer.
5 Comments
Leave a Comment...
Read more of Meredith Layne's Blogs.
Hey, I am doing Mission Year next year and have been reading all the blogs religiously since september. I just wanted to say that this blog really encouraged me and I understand the feeling of wanting both worlds at the same time.
By Kimberly Rixon / Feb 2, 12:12 PM / #
Post modernism, or post-post modernism, whatever the heck it is… we live in times where we are largely defined by our possessions and our places. Ironically, that siren call means nothing… in fact, the converse is true. Who owns us and the place we are not is our TRUE identity… and it’s what makes us care about anything on this planet, other than our own whims. I love you!
By Teri / Feb 13, 01:19 AM / #
Wow Meredith. That was one of the most beautiful blogs I think I’ve ever read in my life… Man, missionyear is so difficult, and yea, just crazy, but like you said, I would miss A LOT/ am GOING TO miss a lot when it’s over. I need to appreciate all that I have here more… Thanks for reminding me of that.
By Zack Attack / Mar 19, 11:39 PM / #
Meredith,
Thanks to you and your team members’ for your reflections on Central City life. I live in CC too, and would enjoy meeting you all. I met the previous MY members at Castlerock in late ’07. Your all’s blogs express the tensions and vulnerable hope we live with well, the moreso as we wait for Sunday. Please drop a line when you can, or call: 931-3038. Bless you all and your neighbors at Easter.
By Patrick / Apr 9, 04:11 PM / #
Hey, Meredith. “The grass over there might be greener sometimes…but its greener cause it has pestisides and chemicals on it, it doesn’t taste as sweet, and it’ll give me cancer.” ..HOW I love these words. First you give us a whole list over very miss-able things, and then you just end it with this. I love it. I’m from Norway, btw. A small country in Europe. And I applied for the Mission Year just an hour ago. And I know I’m too late and all (like I always am), but hey. Maybe God can do a miracle. Well, I AM God’s miracle. So ;)
And it was really encouraging to read this! I hope you’ll have a great life, both in size and in your affecting people with THE Love.
Your sister in Him,
Silje
By Silje / Jul 29, 07:29 AM / #