Meredith Shuppy
Why I am doing Mission Year
My name is Meredith Shuppy and I will be a team member on the 2010 New Orleans Mission Year Team! A dream that is quite quickly manifesting into a reality!
I’ve wanted to do Mission Year for a while, but I didn’t have the guts to apply until spring of last year. I actually didn’t know much about it, either. I was kind of scared that God might actually want me to do it, and I knew it’d be a giant risk so I stayed away from it for a while. But then God kept knocking on my heart and asking me to consider it. I began to feel restless and really unsatisfied with how I was acting out my faith and each time I’d pray and ask God what I was supposed to do with my life for Him, Mission Year came to my mind.
For even longer than I had wanted to do Mission Year, I felt a call on my life to live in simplicity and to shed the layers of material dependency that I’d become so comfortable wearing. God really caused a consciousness in me to ignite and I was aware of how much I had and how little I really needed and how these THINGS kept me from truly being solely dependent on the One God. I had gods all over the place in my life (still do, unfortunately) and I knew that the best way to live was without the influence of stuff (not that I have always been one to eagerly sell my stuff and give the money to the poor). I also saw how much I had and how little so many others had. My eyes were opened to the kind of slavery Christ tells us He can free us from: ourselves and the bonds of the lust of this world. Suddenly car commercials became poison to me and I was consumed with how privileged my life really was and what excess I was allowing to take over my life.
These two things have grown into giant desires to walk with Jesus in a way my heart has always yearned for, but I didn’t always know that yearning or how to answer it. I praise God for how He’s brought so many different people, books, words, songs, ideas, etc into my life to speak His Truth to me and beckon me to walk closer with Him and become more like Him. Thusly, falling ever more deeply in love with Him. I praise Him that He hasn’t given up on me even though my disobedience to His gentle prodding to walk with Him and leave this stuff behind greatly outweighs my obedience to follow wholeheartedly. I have, so many times, put my hand to the plow and looked back. I pray those days are coming to an end and I can walk single-mindedly towards God’s Kingdom both here on earth, and in the next life. By His grace, amen.
Mission Year, for me, isn’t a statement of my awesome faithfulness to Jesus and His teachings. Oh my gosh, if only people could be in my head as I prepare to leave! So much fear and doubt that rumbles beneath. I’m completely faithless. It’s just my lame attempt to walk a little more like Jesus and get a bit closer to Him. And to put action into the Words I love. What kind of testimony do I have in Jesus if I am not willing to do as He asks and trust what He says? I am scared to leave my family, to live with people I don’t know (yet!), to live in a rougher neighborhood than I’m sure I’ve ever lived, to be without my stuff that I’ve come to rely on. It won’t be very comfortable, but I don’t want to walk on this earth without having really walked with Jesus. It’s just time for me to back up all this talk with some walk :)
Prayers for our group as we prepare and for all of the Mission Year staff who is working so hard to get things ready for us. Prayers that God would work in us and through us and that we wouldn’t seek becoming like God something to be grasped, but that we’d humble ourselves as servants and serve with passion and joy to all those we know now and will know soon. God’s grace upon you, loved one!
About Mission Year
Mission Year is a year long urban ministry program focused on Christian service and discipleship. We take teams of young people, place them in an area of need, and help them to serve people and create community. We are committed to the command of Jesus to “love God and love people,” by placing the needs of our neighbors first and developing committed disciples of Christ with a heart for the poor. Learn more about our first year program…
Meredith Shuppy's Blog
"I want your heart." / May 21, 01:36 PM
I thought coming to Mission Year meant a couple of things.
1.) It meant that I had to know how to live a life of love the moment that I came here and that I was a an expert and was 100% familiar with the ropes of being a neighbor.
2.) It meant that this is where I REALLY prove my faith to God and to people because I left home and came to the inner-city without anyone or anything familiar. This is where I was going to show God how serious I was about Him and everything was going to be easy from here on out.
I’m 4 months in and from the moment I got here, I’ve struggled with a tension in my Spirit and my relationship with God because He has desired to show me the reality of being here. I’ve wanted to cling to my own definition of what it meant to be here and therefore, have exhausted myself and have become confused and angry with the Lord.
I’ve lived a long life with Jesus of trying to show Him how totally serious I am about Him and have missed out on just being His friend and letting Him be mine. I’ve been lonely here – at time, so overwhelmingly isolated and sad. I’ve prayed that God would provide friendships, would take away my homesickness, would work a magic trick and bring me SOMEONE. Instead, He’s continued to diligently chisel away at my character and is breaking through with His eternal beckoning of, “Come.”
I need a friend, God.
“Come.”
I’m sad, God.
“Come.”
I’m tired, Jesus.
“Come.”
He hasn’t left me to fend for myself or come up with the answers on my own. His answers are always before me – the remedy always at the tips of my fingers, or the tip of my tongue. I don’t have to work like crazy to come up with the answer or submit a list of why I should be picked for His next blessing. I don’t have to do anything, but be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) and trust that He works everything out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
Am I weak? Do I need Him more than I’d like to admit? Yes.
Do I have to call on Him more times in a moment than can be humanly calculated? Yes.
Is this bad?
No.
This is exactly as He’s always known, knew when He created the world, understood as His Son died on the cross so that I could be with Him forever, and was ready to handle because He (miraculously) loves me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” – Isaiah 55:8
I thought Mission Year was going to be a year where I could use what I already knew to serve this city and serve my community site and have a year of ease and fulfillment. I never foresaw this year flipping around on me: Jesus making His intentions known to me and frankly expressing how He feels about me, causing me to have to come to terms with myself, my sins, my emptiness, neediness, poverty, and overall humanity. We are not quite yet in the wilderness – I don’t trust Jesus quite that much yet – but He is slowly leading me there with Him, into a desolate place where He can restore me (Hosea 2:14).
I’ve often wondered to God, “How can someone who has been a Christian, truly believing in You and Your Son for almost 10 years feel so new at this with you?” I’m embarrassed that all of this is so new – the trust and coming to real terms with my sin and struggles, being honest with God about the darkest parts of myself and trusting that He will still love me in the morning, or the next moment. How could I have been faking peace, trust, and relationship for so long? I guess because I didn’t know I was faking, I thought striving was what was expected of me. I think it’s a bit of an epidemic and I’m simply one of the millions infected with this need to make myself perfect for Christ instead of allowing Him to perfect me. Because He is the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), not me.
The Bible doesn’t tell anyone that what happens is this: We accept that we’re sinners and in need of Jesus’ salvation in order to be saved, to live full lives here on this earth, and to be accepted into eternal life after we leave this place. Then, we live out that “fullness of life” here by working and toiling for our own salvation that we’ve just accepted as a gift but days before. It’s all on us now! That whole part about it having been done once and for all was just a ploy to get you to consider it and then have to strive until death for perfection, which you can’t attain, by the way. So enjoy! Love, God.
I’m not sure which Bible anyone else has ever read, but if you find something to that affect in there, please tell me. Because I really don’t believe that God, the God who tells me that He will redeem the shame of my youth and He will serve as my Husband (Isiah 54:5-5) would pull the rug out from under me like that, knowing that I am dust (Psalm 103:14).
God, as Brennan Manning express in his book THE RAGAMUFFIN GOSPEL, “is not moody or capricious; He knows no seasons of change. He has a single, relentless stance towards us: He loves us (pg. 20).” I am not graded by the Great Judge on my ability to keep up with my personal holiness. I am just asked, over and over again, to come. Walk towards Him, rest with Him, let Him be in my life.
Continuously, I snatch my weighty burdens away from the open palms of My Daddy. “Here,” He says gently, “let me have those.” And I put distance between us, because I want to be worthy, I want to have shown Him how great I can be, how good of a job I can do.
It’s so counter-cultural, the call of Jesus; His expectation for us. Because, I think what it really is is us lying down. It’s us, listening to our Shepherd to rest beside the still waters and let Him restore our empty souls, taking a load off our feet, and watching as He makes the world go round. We aren’t expected to chase the wolves away or climb out of the raging waters while our little lamb feet slip over the rocks and wet moss. He expects to hear us crying out, “Help me! This wolf is too big for me to fight and the water is too fast for me to swim!” He expects to and loves to hear us call out to Him, in need of Him. We open our lives up to Him to show us just how much He loves us. When we are impoverished in our abilities and are honest about that, the way a child openly holds up a jar that is too difficult for them to open, He takes it from us and happily pops the top off and hands it back. He doesn’t say, “Try it yourself again. You just need more brawn and more effort. C’mon!” He sees our need, KNOWS our need, and takes that burden from us, from our fat, child hands, knowing we can’t tackle it by ourselves.
He accepts us into His kingdom knowing all of this. This isn’t news to Him as we walk into His presence with our shabby, torn clothes in need of Him. It’s the point of the whole thing. If we could do it all on our own Jesus would be pointless and this universe would be… well, it probably wouldn’t be.
“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:30
I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy because of how many sit-ups I can do, how little I ate today, how pretty I look in my new clothes, how many scriptures I can quote, how long I stay at church praying on my knees. I’m not worthy because I’ve done some mortal feat and can now pat myself on the back. That does not make me worthy to Jesus.
I’m worthy because He says so. I need to know Him in order to understand my worth. My worth lies in Him.
I’m feeling worthLESS?
Ask Jesus about that.
I’m feeling unloved?
Find that in Jesus.
I’m experiencing isolation and rejection?
There is only inclusion and acceptance in Jesus, He can bind up my brokenness and fill me with His love.
Jesus is the answer for everything. It’s all in Him. All of it. Every. Little. Thing.
I’m just at the brink of this realization. I’m just eating baby food at this point. I’m going slow, I’m still scared, still shying away from this crazy unknown love of Jesus. It freaks me out a little bit, not gonna lie. Someone who wants to be with me all the time, no matter what I do? It’s, like, what I’ve always wanted, duh. But it’s also incredibly overwhelming and frightening that someone could always feel like that towards me. I… sometimes want to run. And ask, “For real? Do you know how bad I smell right now? Do you know how bitchy I am right now and I just want to cuss you out? Do you know how ugly my thoughts have been about myself? Do you know ugly my thoughts have been about another person?” And Jesus says, “Yeah. I still love you. I still want you more than you could ever believe.” Clearly.
Sometimes it’s easy for me to feel like because I’m not married and I don’t have a boyfriend that I’m somehow missing out on THE love of my life; as though God is keeping something good and beautiful from me because He doesn’t want me to experience that. That is so not true on a couple levels:
1.) God wouldn’t keep something beautiful away from me just to be cruel. He’s not a cruel god.
2.) That thing that I believe to be THE LOVE OF MY LIFE really isn’t. He offers me that. And I don’t mean that in this cheesy, I’ve-heard-my-50-year-old-pastor-tell-me-that-a-zillion-times kind of way. It’s true. I mean, if I want to feel valued as a woman, and I want my femininity to be affirmed and I want to be made to feel beautiful, like someone can’t take their eyes off of me they’re so in love with me – Jesus. He doesn’t want me to NOT want to feel like that, He wants me to come to Him and find myself fulfilled in Him, not something else.
He doesn’t want us to suppress or subdue ANY feeling or desire – He wants us to take that to Him and find our fulfillment in Him. I’ve realized that – He’s shown me that. And He will fulfill the desires of my heart as I give my heart over to Him.
He is The Best Love we could ever ask for and it’s free. He’s all ours if we just let Him be.
“He is looking into the eyes of Israel from His depths to hers. He sees through the smokescreen of deeds good and bad to Israel herself. She glances up uneasily, “Who me?”
“Yes, you. I don’t want the abstractions of relationship. I want your heart (pg. 103, Manning).”
“I want your heart.”
“And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever.” – Isaiah 32:17
everything ends somewhere. / Apr 23, 03:25 PM
Spring Break ended for our team with a jolting transition. Our team of four, which was whittled down to three at the beginning of February, had been whittled once again, down to a whopping two-person team. It was definitely a shock to come back expecting to continue on as a three-person unit and then to have to face some challenging circumstances surrounding the loss of another teammate, but I know that God is in control. I think that, ultimately, God is trying to tell me, “Trust in me. Not in what you can see or can touch because those things are temporary. Not only will they vanish when your life here ends, but they could vanish from you within this life here and now.” It’s easy to be shaken up about the temporariness, not only of our life here, but also of the stuff and the people we surround ourselves with. Things and people could literally vanish in one blink of an eye. I could see something in front of me one moment, turn around, and it’s gone when I turn back to it. Nothing is guaranteed to stay nor is anything guaranteed to stay away. So much about life is uncertain – I couldn’t guarantee that someone isn’t breaking into our house right now and taking all of my electronics, all of my clothes, all of my jewelry and leaving me and my roommate with nothing. I can’t guarantee that when I leave my house in the morning that I’ll come back. I can’t even guarantee that this breath I take as I type this won’t be my last. I cannot build my life upon things I can only experience with my 5 senses. I cannot because those things will eventually crumble and the only Thing that will never crumble, has never crumbled, is The Rock, Jesus Christ. If my feet aren’t on that, I’m sinking in sand that will slowly swallow me whole until one day, I’m all gobbled up, food for the belly of this world, food for the belly of emptiness and nothingness.
And as I think of the reality of this in regards to our team’s recent change, I also think of the lives that have been taken in our neighborhood by shootings and acts of violence. I haven’t really spent time processing this because, when I do, I begin to see the overwhelming sadness in my heart, and the brokenness of my Lover’s heart over these tragedies. And so I get scared and back away. I just can’t help but me overwhelmed but the unsteadiness of life. NOTHING is a guarantee. And there are people out there who know this. And I’ve heard that said to me 1,000,000,000 times over and over, but I guess I always thought I was invincible and that this life and all that it materially contains has to be the utmost truth because it’s all I can see. But Hebrews 11 basically says, “What you see isn’t what is true. Have faith in what you don’t see – it’s everlasting and REAL.” My Rabbi is teaching me that only He is real, only He can outlast anything, only He is going to be around in the end. I haven’t experienced, personally, terrible tragedy. But someday, I may and I think it’s a good thing to have a grasp on the temporariness of anything in this life and that God is the only One is always going to be there. I don’t want to be put my faith or my life or my identity in things that are inevitably going to change or could, at any moment, not exist any more.
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not grow faint or grow weary…
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
-Isaiah 40: 28-29
He is the only Thing I can put my life, trust, identity, and faith into. He is the only Person who is always going to be on my side, the only person who will never die or disappear in my life. He is the only steadfast Part of my life. I just pray that He can raise me up to be a woman of true faith in this.
I think I'm falling in love. / Mar 17, 05:46 PM
It’s started to get warmer here in New Orleans this week. It’s been in the 70’s and creeping dangerously close to the 80’s. Even in March the air is thick and you can see the moisture drifting in tendrils from the ground after it rains. Which it did, last night. Having been inspired by my roommate who had spent a couple moments alone on the porch, enjoying the night air, I had the compulsion to drag one of our living room chairs out on the porch and enjoy the night kicked back and reading some of God’s Word.
I’d finished reading and I felt this nagging feeling like I should be DOING something right now. Journeying? Working on next month’s newsletter? Maybe constructing a letter to someone at home? I felt this need to be busy, and I could feel my muscles contract to take some action, when this inaudible Voice that somehow had authority over the movement of my body spoke: Stop. I, involuntarily, dropped the books I had in my hands to the ground, sank back into the chair, and threw my feet up onto the porch post. I guessed I was staying.
I kept silent for a few moments wondering what I was doing sitting out here at 10:30pm while the waiter dripped from the house gutters all around me. But slowly, I began to relax and enjoyed the sounds. Then I began to look from my feet, to the house across the street, to the house next to it, to the houses down the street where something hanging off of someone’s roof kept swinging in front of their house light, making me dizzy with the continuous flashing it caused. I watched a couple cars travel down the street and lifted my hand to say hello. I saw some people lift theirs in return, others weren’t even looking, and some just stared. Then, I heard the Voice again, “I love this neighborhood. I LOVE these people. I just want them to know that. I want them to know I see them, that they are beloved in My sight. I long to redeem this place, Meredith. I’m in love with them, they are Mine.”
“Thank you, Jesus,” I whispered. “I’m falling in love, too.”
It’s the truth. I have felt God’s desire for this community, for His people; I have felt Him speak to me about how deeply He loves them and how desperately He desires to offer them hope and share Himself with them. “You’re my body, Meredith,” He’s whispered to me many times. “You’re there to be Me to them. Let them see Me, my interests in their hearts, their well-being, in who they are. Let them know how much I am in love with them. Tell them.”
How can we not fall in love with His people when we are walking in obedience to His call? Do you think we’d remain indifferent to those for which His heart beats when we share His heart through His grace? Our hearts will be changed, our desires will be changed, our hopes and dreams become His hopes and His dreams. We become One with Him, evenly yoked with our Lover. I have fallen and will continue to fall in love with His people here because He said, “Go” and I came and now, as I continue to strive to follow Him and do as He asks me and supplies me with what I need as I do this, His hopes for this place are becoming mine. His dreams for His people here are becoming my deepest dreams. I’m finding out how truly liberating it is to surrender. To stop moving and doing and to just sit and listen to God share His thoughts with me and to let His Spirit wash over me and take me along where He’s going. It’s a much more peaceful journey than striving to make the rules up as I go or coming up with my own plan. That’s not going to get my anywhere. God has been speaking that into my life and showing me how to walk. He’s such a good Daddy.
And God is showing me that I can have all the plans in the world to fix and to figure out and to make something better, but if I am not relinquished to the living current of His Spirit, then I am not going to achieve those things. I won’t make anyone’s life better because I will only be offering them a human answer, not the steadfast answer of God’s Truth. Thank you for being such a patient teacher, Lord! For always having something new for me to learn. Thank you for so patiently working on my character and my heart. I praise you for Your love all over the place! Amen!
And can I please just say that I love being able to chill out on my front porch in MARCH in 70 degree weather while the rain pours down onto New Orleans? It’s the coolest. It’s a good time. It reminds me a lot of college and peaceful times I had with so many friends just hanging out somewhere, enjoying the weather. Yeah, it’s been real good, man. And I love spending time with my roomies who always keep things interesting, haha. It’s beautiful! Thank you for all of this, Lord! Thank you!
I really do want to see my neighborhood redeemed. I really want to see houses rebuilt and plots restored. There are just so many gaping wounds and giant scars here. That doesn’t mean there aren’t beautiful things there – there will always be beautiful things. But there is still so much work to be done. I want to see the community come together and make a change for themselves. I want to see the government in New Orleans keep their promises to the inhabitants of the Ninth Ward. I want to love on my neighbors and for them to know that God loves them, if they don’t already know it. There are so many people I want to know well and spend time with and become friends with. I just want to be a partner and a friend to people here. I’m so giddy for all the God has in store. He’s already doing so much! I mean, He’s always been doing so much, but I guess I’m just finally seeing what He’s doing, which is amazing :) I love Him and I love what He’s doing.
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Come on, Jesus, light my fire / Mar 5, 09:09 PM
Let’s start with some updates: 1.) I will be working at Desire Street Ministries’ office at least one day a week, if not two. 2.) I finally got cleared to volunteer at Carver High School so I will be starting there next week at least one day a week, if not two. 3.) My roommate, Amanda, and I have joined Carver Desire Baptist Church’s choir and that is proving to be a bit more stressful than I would have determined, but still really awesome. 4.) We had our first visit to St. Roch Community Church on Sunday, Feb 28 and it was definitely different from Carver Desire, but it was fun to be there and to try something new. 5.) I had to go to the doctor on Monday, March 1 because I had been having intense stomach pains, etc. for a couple of days in a row. The doctors believed it to have something to do with my gull bladder and put me on some pain meds and some other prescriptions that helped with my uncomfy symptoms. Thank God for real because this is the second time I’ve gotten sick so I was ready to feel better, haha. But yeah, please be praying that I’d just do what needs to be done so that I don’t get sick like that again and that I can be wise with what I’m eating because it was something really spicy and crazy unusual that set off the attack and I just don’t want to experience that again. Oh no, I do not. So yes, thanks for your prayers!
What is the point of my being here? That question has been on repeat in my mind for the past couple of days. God has been asking me that and, I think, wanting me to examine why exactly I came to New Orleans with Mission Year and what the heck it means. I knew the answers to these questions before I left and when I first got here, but in just 7 weeks the blindingly burning reason for my being here has somehow gone missing… It’s not that the fire went out, but the fire went some place and now I can’t find it… Something happened and the purpose I was holding tightly to slipped from my grip and is stuck somewhere back there in the muck and I’m, well, I’m just now realizing it’s gone and now I have to get to finding it!
I don’t want anyone to worry that perhaps I don’t want to be here anymore, au contraire! I know this is where God wants me, I’m just having a small existential crisis as I’m walking in His will, haha. Nothing to be concerned about. Totally normal. And I mean, I’m glad to wonder about things like that because I know He’ll take me somewhere deeper, somewhere even further into His intimacy.
It’s kind of cool because my team and I have been talking about doubting and just blindly following and how doubt is good when it leads you to ask questions and pursue answers. And how just blindly following and suppressing any doubts on your heart because you’re afraid to not be the best in the classroom (metaphorically, of course. or maybe literally… depends, I guess…) isn’t always the wisest decision. You could be missing out on an opportunity God is excited for you to seize that would draw you closer to Him in a way that would revolutionize your relationship with Him and renew your faith. God is all about relationship and when you’re in a relationship with a person, you have conversation and you dig deeper together and you share your hearts and minds just to learn from one another. Why wouldn’t we engage in a relationship like that with the Ultimate Relationship? What keeps us from taking God at His word that NOTHING can separate us from His love and NONE can pluck us from His hand and just dive in head-first into the doubts and clean house with the Savior of the World? Laziness keeps me from doing it. Pride. I don’t want to be that vulnerable with someone – it’s going to take SO much out of me emotionally. Yeah, well, guess what, Self. Jesus demands YOU in total, if you know what I mean, so you have no choice but to either be HOT HOT HOT for Him or be COLD COLD COLD. Lukewarm gets your spat out of His Holy mouth. So you either love Him or hate Him. Which one am I committed to? If I say hot, I better get to boiling.
God is so merciful. Hallelujah. I’m so glad I’m His. sigh So that’s what’s been on my mind recently… as in right now.
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Green, Gold, and Purple / Feb 19, 11:24 AM
Mardi Gras season as passed and we have come out 70+ strands of beads heavier! We were invited to enjoy a night of parades on Monday night (aka LUNDI GRAS as it is the day before Mardi Gras) with our city director, Irvin, at his family’s stake-out along St. Charles. Our friends Julie and Cinyel took us along with them. It was a long night of screaming and reaching for strand after strand of glimmering, glinting beads. Sometimes my pleas were heard and honored, other times, the keepers of the beads simply looked at me and either tossed the strand I most longed for to some other hand shot into the sky, or simply turned away, pretending he didn’t catch the hint of tears in my begging eyes. I even ran after a couple of floats who showcased the beads I truly desired – and would have traded in the hundreds already strung around my neck to have – screaming and pointing, “Those beads! I want THOSE beads!!!!” To no avail, might I add. It was a truly humiliating performance, but it was a blast. I can now boast of my Mardi Gras participation and show off my treasure of plastic pearls of green, gold, and purple.
There hasn’t been a ton going on with services sites this week because of the holiday, but God is still working and using every instance and event to continue His work here. But one huge praise to share is that we met a new neighbor this past Saturday: Miss Rosa. She opened her doors to me and my roommate and blessed us with 6 fl. oz. of dish soap, as we were way, way, way out. We got to spend about an hour taking a tour of her house and listening to stories about her family and life during and after Katrina.
I feel, as each day passes, that I am becoming a part of this community. I feel a bit more ownership over it every single day. I love it here and I love the people here and I just want to become better friends with all of my neighbors as the year progresses. God has been continuing to teach me what He expects of me and my teammates as His ambassadors here in this city. We aren’t here to change everything or to make things happen for people, but we are here to be beside them as their friends. And I keep forgetting that! I keep forgetting that that’s what I’m doing here! I just want to DO DO DO something, instead of rest and wait and hang out with my neighbors and initiate conversations with them. It’s a lot harder staying on track with what seems to be such a simple task, but I keep getting distracted and then frustrated and then re-focused.
So with my green, gold, and purple now dangling from the corner of my bedroom window (alongside my Saints colors), I hope to proceed with love and care with renewed eyes for my neighborhood, wanting to just be friends with everyone and extending Christ’s hand of friendship to all. Because I am falling quickly in love with this amazing city of warmth and joy and colors and I want to love her people, too.
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