Sarah Wiant's Blog
"You are a destructive, glorious mess." / 01.28.10, 06:53 PM
At least, that’s what Wisdom says to Mack in the book The Shack. But let me start at the beginning.
Part One: Amari. He is a one and a half year old little boy at the shelter, and I love him. This may come as no surprise because I have ALWAYS loved children, but now I’m developing relationships with children who don’t really communicate verbally, and that’s been an interesting concept to grasp. Amari isn’t a child prodigy, he can’t have meaningful conversations with me (or silly ones for that matter), he doesn’t sing or play a musical instrument, and he doesn’t need help with his homework. He’s still not talking other than nonsensical baby sounds. He gets frustrated that he can’t communicate, so he either bites other children or lies down on the floor and cries. He’s not even the cutest baby at the shelter. Sometimes he zones out and runs around in circles or into the wall. He has absolutely nothing to offer me other than a smile, and still I love him. All he has to do is look at me and reach his hands up, and my heart melts.
Part Two: The Shack. I was hesitant to read this book, but I suppose that was all part of God’s perfect timing, because it fits in with everything I’ve been learning over the past few months. For those of you who haven’t heard much about it, The Shack is a story about a man named Mackenzie (Mack) who is married with five children and disillusioned with Christianity. Mack receives a note to go back to the shack where his youngest daughter was murdered and meet with “papa”, the name his wife uses to refer to God. Mack spends the weekend with God: God the Father is portrayed as a kind middle-aged African American woman, named “papa” to further mess with stereotypes; Jesus is a Middle-Eastern man who is always working in a woodshop; and the Holy Spirit is portrayed as a not-entirely-tangible Asian woman named Sarayu who loves to garden. At one point in the story, Mack goes to help Sarayu in the garden. It is an absolutely gorgeous place, with wild flowers next to roses next to vegetables, everything mixed up and beautiful. Sarayu asks Mack to help her tear down a rather large section of it, and explains when he’s finished:
“…this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive…” The impact of her words almost crumbled all of Mack’s reserve. He looked again at their garden – his garden – and it really was a mess, but incredible and wonderful at the same time. And beyond that … Sarayu loved the mess.
Part Three: So What? Well, I realized that I spent my first trimester here recognizing that I was Amari, that I was a child who had nothing to offer her true Daddy, and that I was a mess. I realized I was a perfectionist, and that I continually failed to reach the high expectations I set for myself, which led to depression and guilt that I couldn’t “get it right”. Then I read the passage of scripture I mentioned in my last blog (1 John 1:5-10), and this passage from The Shack, and it just clicked. I realized that God does not love blindly; he sees all my mess but instead of condemning me, He thinks it’s beautiful. And I don’t know how else to explain it other than I get it now. I may have said this before, but for some reason it’s different now. I have joy. I may not always be “happy”, but I’m more confident knowing that He wants nothing more than to see me reach out to Him, and that doing so makes His heart melt. It is a truly amazing feeling, and I needed to share it. :-)
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This is great Sarah! Thanks for sharing it!
By Shawn Casselberry / Jan 28, 10:51 PM / #